Recently I was talking with a friend who was in a situation that I have found myself in countless times. In fact, I'm pretty sure that most people who have been in a relationship for any length of time would identify with the situation: It begins with me being upset about my circumstances, it could be anything really, but the issue is that I'm emotionally raw and I feel the need for support more than the need for a solution. Jeff (my husband), on the first time I bring my feelings to him, will show concern and try to fix the problem. I then say he just doesn't understand, and in reality he doesn't. My distress doesn't lie in the situation itself but in how it has effected my emotional equilibrium. Unfortunately, I often don't know how to communicate this. All I really need is his empathy and shoulder to lean on but all he sees is a problem that needs to be fixed. The longer this goes on the more needy and desperate I become and the more powerless and frustrated my husband becomes when he can't fix it for me. At some point he will give up and withdraw and the more often I bring up the situation the worse our feelings become.
How do we stop that vicious cycle of me feeling unloved and my husband feeling frustrated because he has no power to fix my emotions and insecurities?
I know some would say just show your man respect and his heart will soften towards you. This is true but no matter how much I show him respect I still will suffer emotionally over situations that are not my husband's fault or responsibility. Jeff will still not be able to fix the problem.
So what do I do? I have found that in times like these I have put unrealistic expectations on my man and I'm not left with very many options. I can run against my husband who has become like a brick wall, or I can run to the One who made me and understands my emotions. Jesus said: "Come to ME, all of you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest" Matt 11:28. I'm not saying that you shouldn't discuss your struggles with your spouse/significant other. It is important to share and be open with them. What I am saying though is no person can change your feelings or give you peace the way God can.
When I seek Jeff's comfort and assurance before I seek God's I get into trouble and harm my marriage relationship. I know, it's such a simple concept: "Seek first HIS kingdom and HIS righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well" (these things include your life, food and clothes) Matt 6:33. My husband, bless his heart, is just a man. I shouldn't expect him to be what only Christ can be in my life. Jeff is my partner and God does provide through him often. But that doesn't make Jeff my provider. I can't forget that it is God who meets all my needs-including my emotional ones-according to his riches. (Phil 4:19).
So the next time you find yourself in this circumstance. Try taking it to God first and then to your spouse. It just might save from a lot of tears and frustration.
